Par for the course.

I dont know where to begin. So I'll ramble.

"I have met someone that makes me happy. Something I thought would never happen again."

Where was he three days ago when you needed a ride for a hundred mile round trip to get a free lawnmower. The same night when you told me there was nothing to eat at your house and I bought you $140.00 in groceries. Where was this fountain of happiness?

I"ve been well aware since childhood that life is simply not fair. You will travel through life and make the most you can with the hand your dealt. Along the way people you have not wronged will choose to make you an enemy whether you participate in the rivalry or not. Women will tease you, whether your intentions are true or not. In fact in all cases you seem to get more carnal satisfation from those whom you have absolutely no long term interest or honest intent toward whatsoever. So im not one to judge.

I need to stop wanting someone that Im just not gonna get. The budhist's let us know long ago that all suffering is born of desire, and attachment. To lay down this attachment and desire is to extinguish the suffering. Easier said than done in some cases. Also, it's interesting to note that the budhist's would allow monks to leave the temple at will to venture into the world for a time and fuck like mad. (2 or 3 times in there life, at there choosing) I imagine this came about due to how potentialy dangerous a sex starved fighting monk could be.

I envy all of the greasy, pale, chubby, 85 iq point sheep. Happily married to there equallateral opposites. Happily ignorant of just about everything outside of there immediate line of site. Raising those equally american future dreggs on society. Because they are happy, content, and loved.

Im gonna get stoned on something completely legal, go to wal-mart and buy some plastic bullshit that I dont even need.

christ.






I feel numb and adrift. Im not angry, im not sad, I simply feel as though im here. Waiting for the next wonderful misadventure. I can however look at this objectively from a third person perspective and howl at myself with laughter.

Thoughts while in traffic.

For decades it seems, you have been here.
A mere agent of chaos.
In your many forms you are legion.

You impede my course at every turn.
As you do now, and will until I die.

There is no escape, from this,
this Minivan.

Censored due to investigative background check

So many drug tests and breath analysis, and background checks of all sorts to be a construction worker. They really seem to own you.

out of body

This is gonna take a bit of explaining. I began having sleep paralysis I believe in 2004. it seemed to only occur when I was sleeping on the sofa at night. There were but 3 or 4 brief episodes at that residence. Initially this was quite scary. with each iteration I became more aware of what was occuring. I learned that if I closed my eyes I could reawaken a short time later and the paralysis would be gone. I had a conversation with a woman who informed me that sleep paralysis was a state of conscious that can precede an out of body experience. But that it takes work. Upon learning this the episodes stopped for about two years, then resumed. These occured while sleeping in bed, as the couch had been discarded.



One night in January while sleeping I had a series of experiences that im not sure were dreams. I was lying on my side afterward when I awoke. This is notable because the experience began with me awaking suddenly while sitting straight up, (as though I was lying on my back.) then immediately it repeated, without lying back. (I sat up suddenly twice without lying back down in between?) I then saw the room revolving and the point of view of this rotation seemed to be getting closer and closer to the ceiling. The room itself was not spinning, It was as though I was rotating end over end while gaining altitude. This was quite unnerving. I can remember thinking to myself that I would hit the ceiling. This was very frightening. the experience then ended. I remember waking up to a state of sleep paralysis. My vision returned very slowing as did my hearing. At this point I was lying on my side. Its hard to explain but during sleep paralysis phenominilization is scewed. Your visual accuity returns slowly after awakening into this state of conciousness. the lights in the room, which were just the various led's of the computer's, tv, modem, clocks, etc cast dim light to different areas of the house. My bed being in the living room has lots of shadow's in the dark from these sources. Upon awaking in a state of sleep paralysis the darkness seems to be total, there is no light. Then slowing the darkness recedes, twisting a bit as the lines of the shadows and light find their place and you can see again.



Now , I honestly believe this might have been an out of body experience. The rotation part. I can have sleep paralysis without fear, Im past that fear. But This was new, for some reason the thought of impacting the cieling frightened me and I screwed it up, and it ended. Im hoping this will occur again and that I will have the clarity to control my fear and see what happens when I contact a solid object. If this was an out of body experience then I would have passed through the ceiling, the attic, the roof and then been in the open night sky.



I always wanted to fly.

Pre planning

I've thought about what sort of tombstone I'd like to have and Im leaning towards one shaped like a park bench. Well, a park bench sitting on a large flat slab that is even with the grade. The bench could face the front of the slab, and the headstone would be sorta centered towards the top and facing the bench. Im thinking "keep it simple" name, important dates, and a quote, "take a rest, and tell me about your day."